Pretty ordinary day. You would think I would be getting used to this feeling but I am not really.
It would be great if you were able to fall asleep for 4 or 5 days and wake after all this stuff has flushed it’s way through and out. Hate it.
Slept well. It’s raining which is nice. House quiet, all are out doing stuff. Watched a great old movie called “network”, a classic well worth a view. No plans for today. Feeling pretty yuk.
Will rest.
Again.
Today has been better than I expected. Drugs kept most symptoms at manageable level. Still feel quite spaced out, bad stomach and sore.
I have kept to myself for most of the day. I find conversation really grating today, like running your nails down a black board. Best avoided. Don’t know why, just is.
I strolled around the block this afternoon with all the retirees. There are plenty in Camberwell. It was good to get out of bed.
Watched a movie which started with great promise but dwindled and disappointed in the end. It was “Hereafter” directed by Clint Eastwood.
Hoping tomorrow will bring improvement (and tolerance for people).
It’s Petra’s birthday today. Woke early with the kids to give gifts and cards. A bit low key but it was good. Mother in law and father in law with us at the moment so they joined in.
Petra is out today with friends for coffee etc and then other female fun stuff for the afternoon.
House is empty which is nice. Kids at school and in laws out somewhere.
I am sleeping, reading, listening to audio books, popping pills and resting. Want to be able to be up for an early family birthday dinner tonight.
Loving my iPad at the moment as its a great window to the world. TV is killing me.
Dog is loving it and I am breaking all the rules as it is sleeping on the bed with me.
Now that is relaxed! Must have found my Avitans.
Just read the entry made on the 21st of March. Same, same.
How strange, just happening 3 or 4 hours earlier.
A quote from Lance Armstrong “the misery is part of the cure, you have to embrace it”.
See you on the other side.
In the mean time I will be watching this beautiful tree slowly shed it’s leaves (into the pool)!!!!
It’s 4.15 pm and I have been in the blue chair since 9 am. One bag of rituximab and one bag of Bendamustin in the system.
Almost done for the day.
The veins in my hands are shot so this time they entered high into my right forearm. No pain so it appears to have worked. No burning either.
The day was long. I listened to Lance Armstrong audio book and played a bit with emails. Petra sat by my side all day, must be so bored!! Big effort.
The nurse tells me I look pale and tired. I feel a little off but not to bad.
Tonight should be ok before I am back tomorrow for my final bag of chemo.
If the past is a guide to the future the fun and games should start tomorrow afternoon after the second bag.
Time will tell.
The dreaded black bag!! It really would look better with an apple logo!
The fellow team member in this chair left earlier. Will be back tomorrow.
The insider busy shopping on iPad!!
Its Monday afternoon and I am sitting in the study having received the call that my blood tests this morning were normal and I am good to go for tomorrow. I have finished doing a little bit of work and I am reflecting on the last month and what is to come before I participate in my last conference call at 3.00pm. I have reread my posts and agree with Petra that I have been exercising my own level of censorship on what I have been writing.
The truth is sometimes I don’t know why I am writing at all. Is it for you, is it for me or some other purpose. The blog entries do follow to some degree the ebb and flow of my experience but I do agree that I have been emphasising all the good things and doing so in an upbeat and sometime humorous manner. I am not sure if there is anything wrong with that.
So this afternoon I will drop some of the censorship.
In truth this experience is really, really difficult, probably the most confronting experience I have had to deal with in my life to date. Its is both physically and emotionally draining.
It’s relentless.
Physically you decondition, you lose weight, muscle tone and fitness. Your hair thins and is lifeless. Your skin feels drier and cracks as do the membranes in your nose and mouth. The veins in your hands and arms burn, ache and swell. Cuts and scrapes take longer to heal. Your libido disappears and your energy levels fluctuate from extreme lethargy to manageable. The nausea is simply horrid.
Emotionally you fluctuate through various levels of anxiety, depression, boredom, restlessness, anger, frustration, happiness, love, fear and confusion. I am often less tolerant of people and situations. I often just want to be alone. Strangely I seek the company of the others that sit in the big blue chairs. I can feel disconected from those around me, even those I love and who love me.
All in all its pretty crappy.
I don’t think this is a “gift” like I have read about and listened to in audio books etc. I don’t need this shit in my life for me to know what makes me happy or how lucky I am. I just want this to end as quickly as it can.
Thats it.
Another magic, warm April day. Last night we went out to friends for a great dinner. Kids played and adults ate and chilled. Another perfect night.
This morning I took Lily to cross country running. It was her first event and she was a little nervous. Gorgeous morning for a run. She did very well. She finished 10th overall and 2nd her club. She was really happy with the event.
We are now watching junior local football. So much sport!
I am feeling pretty crappy. The last 3 days I have felt like I have had a low grade flu. Can’t shake it and feel like sleeping most of the day. I am not giving into it.
Not looking forward to Tuesday.
Another beautiful day. Petra and the twins left for shep as planned early in the morning leaving Siena and I free reign over our domain!
We went out for Breaky and then a little shopping locally. We then lay in bed and watched crap TV because we could before a little dip in the pool.
Siena surprised me by voluntarily working on her holiday homework in the afternoon while I did some exercise.
Back in bed for a little afternoon siesta before we visit the Pelusi family tonight for pizza and to watch Carlton v Collingwood on the TV.
Not a bad day at all.
Wonderful sunny day in Melbourne. Spent the day playing with kids in the yard. It was a heap of fun. Feeling stronger and almost normal. Love this feeling.
Out to dinner with a friend tonight. Good steak and wine. Will be tidy.
Tomorrow promises to be even warmer.
Petra is leaving for Shepparton with the twins in the morning and I will look after Siena for a couple of days.
That is dangerous!!
My Unplanned Sabbatical 