My Unplanned Sabbatical

50 Shades of Grey (no not that book you all cant put down)!

Contemplated not writing today as it is a pretty black day.

I know I am now annoying those closest to me by being withdrawn and sullen. There is a big disconnect between how I intellectualise my position and how I respond emotionally to it and no matter how much self talk and “thankful thinking” I do, I barely manage to shift the dial towards a lighter shade of grey. My life has shrunk to a very small piece of what it was, its current focus reduced to the taking my medication, trying to stay vertical as long as possible, holding onto what I eat, sleeping and trying to be interested in what occurs around me.

It just is what it is. I know it will revert back, but that thought does not cut through at the moment.

My strongest desire is to be alone and away from everyone and everything, but that also does not make much sense to me. It would be the same shit, different place..only colder with bad food. It would be like when you decide to go on holiday with your new-born baby, only the scenery changes, little else. Still the desire is strong.

There are a number of things happening at work that are worrying me and this is not great. Some things I need to get involved in and I worry about my head space and how I would engage with others. I need to get on that horse this week and just do it.

Siena has left for school camp for the week so I am hopeful I will be better and more upbeat by the time she returns. It will be strange to not have her in the house for a week. Such a big personality. Alessia and Lily remain and no doubt will look to fill the void.

Petra is doing all she can to try to keep the house on an even keel (in between devouring chapters of that book)!

I still like this song.

04 Rise

Not much progress

Not a great 24 hours. Have been resting in bed trying to sleep through.

Yesterday was a write off (a bit like my WIP but thats another issue causing me much angst). Woke Sunday morning to no real change. I remind myself to be patient. Its hard though.

Feel like a ghostly member of our household. Life goes on around me, I float in and out trying to engage with family activities but this proves to be to difficult, forcing a retreat to quieter places.

Strain on the family is more evident this month. Four head strong women tearing each other apart. I don’t have the strength to engage or to parent. I have been reduced to a passive observer. I feel I should take myself out of this for a couple of days and retreat to the beach house with the dog. That may help restore some balance to club Waterloo. There is allot being carried on Petra’s shoulders.

I have re read my post of the 14 th of May and draw strength from that.

Oh well

Not a great day today. I have slowly drifted back to my usual processing position. At least I know what to expect.

Have barely moved today.

There is always tomorrow.

Best post chemo day yet

Well today is the best post chemo day so far. Have not yet descended into the usual processing position. That’s a blessing.

Feeling a little worse for wear but not a patch on past cycles. Long may it continue. I do know this is a tricky thing and it can change quickly but so far so good.

I have spent a lazy day in bed reading and resting. Got up at 3 pm and went for a walk to get some fresh air and bought a boost juice. Sun was shining, nice crisp autumn day, feet crunching through the leaves. Nice.

Now that may sound rather “how hum” and normally I would agree but I would normally not be up for anything like that after 2 days on the juice. So I am pretty happy.

Plan for a lazy evening listening to music and generally doing very little. Family about to invade the quiet home from various post school activities. The dog and I will do our best to hang on!

If I was to believe in reincarnation…

I would be happy to be back as Mika the killer dog..,

Thank you

Thank you for all your messages of support through this site, the private emails, texts and phone calls.

A little overwhelming.

They make a real difference and it’s greatly appreciated.

One down

As I mentioned last night seeking to approach today with less anxiety and a more positive attitude.

I did glance up over my left shoulder to welcome my friend that I share a love, hate relationship with.

One black bag down and I asked the nurse if I could have a little umbrella and olive with the second black bag.

I don’t think she gets me.

The nurses station message.

Respect the bag

Pleasing news today. The tumors have reduced substantially over the first 3 cycles. Something more than 60%. I will be given more precise data soon.

This is very good news and with it comes a new appreciation and respect for the black bags.

Tomorrow I will glance up and give them a respectful nod of appreciation as the infusion starts. I will still hate the side effects but I know they are saving my life and as such will be thankful and positive for the remainder of my treatment.

Happy mothers day

Sunday morning the girls woke us early to serve Petra breakfast in bed. They did a pretty good job on the presentation front as you can see below.

I then got up to drive and have coffee with my mum like the dutiful Italian son that I am.

We had booked lunch at an Italian resturant, Giuseppe Arnaldo & Sons. Great restaurant, I highly recommend it.

After a big Sunday lunch we decided to go to an amusement centre for some chaotic family fun. It was full on. Girls loved it.

Check out Siena and Petra in the simulator below. Siena makes me laugh!!

Worn out.

Nice way to finish the weekend leading into what will be a big week.