My Unplanned Sabbatical

Cold turkey

Have gone cold turkey on all the supporting drugs today as I was starting to feel better. Been an interesting day, feel just ok.

I pulled the pin on the dinner with the boys tonight. As the day progressed I started to feel progressively worse so I thought I best avoid it.

I will be better for the decision tomorrow.

I trained on my own for the first time today and feel ok. Plan to start to step up the training each day. It makes me feel better.

Siena is back from camp tomorrow night. I have really missed her this week and look forward to her stepping off the bus tomorrow night. The house needs her presence. I don’t think her sisters share my view, they have loved it.

Better day

Today was better.

Went for a walk with dog and managed to stay out of bed all day which was a nice change. Managed to do some work which made me feel better. Good to use the mind and importantly I will be able to contribute to a project that will run during the “good” half of my month. This makes be happy. Some trips into the city – heaven forbid..and maybe even the need to put on a suit! Now I really am asking for too much.

A friend has invited me to a “boys” dinner tomorrow night which I plan to attend. I found out my brother is also going so I am looking forward to this. It will be good to catch up with the boys and enjoy a steak and maybe a glass of red. I will be good.

Watched an interesting movie called “Shame” last night. Powerfully acted and an interesting perspective on addiction. Worth watching.

8 days out and I am hoping the worst is behind me for this month. Experience has taught me that feeling good can be a fickle thing but I will take it as long as it lasts.

Thanks for all the support during the recent black period. You make a difference.

50 Shades of Grey (no not that book you all cant put down)!

Contemplated not writing today as it is a pretty black day.

I know I am now annoying those closest to me by being withdrawn and sullen. There is a big disconnect between how I intellectualise my position and how I respond emotionally to it and no matter how much self talk and “thankful thinking” I do, I barely manage to shift the dial towards a lighter shade of grey. My life has shrunk to a very small piece of what it was, its current focus reduced to the taking my medication, trying to stay vertical as long as possible, holding onto what I eat, sleeping and trying to be interested in what occurs around me.

It just is what it is. I know it will revert back, but that thought does not cut through at the moment.

My strongest desire is to be alone and away from everyone and everything, but that also does not make much sense to me. It would be the same shit, different place..only colder with bad food. It would be like when you decide to go on holiday with your new-born baby, only the scenery changes, little else. Still the desire is strong.

There are a number of things happening at work that are worrying me and this is not great. Some things I need to get involved in and I worry about my head space and how I would engage with others. I need to get on that horse this week and just do it.

Siena has left for school camp for the week so I am hopeful I will be better and more upbeat by the time she returns. It will be strange to not have her in the house for a week. Such a big personality. Alessia and Lily remain and no doubt will look to fill the void.

Petra is doing all she can to try to keep the house on an even keel (in between devouring chapters of that book)!

I still like this song.

04 Rise

Not much progress

Not a great 24 hours. Have been resting in bed trying to sleep through.

Yesterday was a write off (a bit like my WIP but thats another issue causing me much angst). Woke Sunday morning to no real change. I remind myself to be patient. Its hard though.

Feel like a ghostly member of our household. Life goes on around me, I float in and out trying to engage with family activities but this proves to be to difficult, forcing a retreat to quieter places.

Strain on the family is more evident this month. Four head strong women tearing each other apart. I don’t have the strength to engage or to parent. I have been reduced to a passive observer. I feel I should take myself out of this for a couple of days and retreat to the beach house with the dog. That may help restore some balance to club Waterloo. There is allot being carried on Petra’s shoulders.

I have re read my post of the 14 th of May and draw strength from that.

Oh well

Not a great day today. I have slowly drifted back to my usual processing position. At least I know what to expect.

Have barely moved today.

There is always tomorrow.

Best post chemo day yet

Well today is the best post chemo day so far. Have not yet descended into the usual processing position. That’s a blessing.

Feeling a little worse for wear but not a patch on past cycles. Long may it continue. I do know this is a tricky thing and it can change quickly but so far so good.

I have spent a lazy day in bed reading and resting. Got up at 3 pm and went for a walk to get some fresh air and bought a boost juice. Sun was shining, nice crisp autumn day, feet crunching through the leaves. Nice.

Now that may sound rather “how hum” and normally I would agree but I would normally not be up for anything like that after 2 days on the juice. So I am pretty happy.

Plan for a lazy evening listening to music and generally doing very little. Family about to invade the quiet home from various post school activities. The dog and I will do our best to hang on!

If I was to believe in reincarnation…

I would be happy to be back as Mika the killer dog..,