My Unplanned Sabbatical

A little dose of reality

Its Monday afternoon and I am sitting in the study having received the call that my blood tests this morning were normal and I am good to go for tomorrow. I have finished doing a little bit of work and I am reflecting on the last month and what is to come before I participate in my last conference call at 3.00pm.  I have reread my posts and agree with Petra that I have been exercising my own level of censorship on what I have been writing.

The truth is sometimes I don’t know why I am writing at all. Is it for you, is it for me or some other purpose.  The blog entries do follow to some degree the ebb and flow of my experience but I do agree that I have been emphasising all the good things and doing so in an upbeat and sometime humorous manner. I am not sure if there is anything wrong with that.

So this afternoon I will drop  some of the censorship.

In truth this experience is really, really difficult, probably the most confronting experience I have had to deal with in my life to date.  Its is both physically and emotionally draining.

It’s relentless.

Physically you decondition, you lose weight, muscle tone and fitness. Your hair thins and is lifeless. Your skin feels drier and cracks as do the membranes in your nose and mouth. The veins in your hands and arms burn, ache and swell. Cuts and scrapes take longer to heal. Your libido disappears and your energy levels fluctuate from extreme lethargy to manageable.  The nausea is simply horrid.

Emotionally you fluctuate through various levels of anxiety, depression, boredom, restlessness, anger, frustration, happiness, love, fear and confusion. I am often less tolerant of people and situations. I often just want to be alone. Strangely I seek the company of the others that sit in the big blue chairs. I can feel disconected from those around me, even those I love and who love me.

All in all its pretty crappy.

I don’t think this is a “gift” like I have read about and listened to in audio books etc.  I don’t need this shit in my life for me to know what makes me happy or how lucky I am. I just want this to end as quickly as it can.

Thats it.

A Thursday

Wonderful sunny day in Melbourne. Spent the day playing with kids in the yard. It was a heap of fun. Feeling stronger and almost normal. Love this feeling.

Out to dinner with a friend tonight. Good steak and wine. Will be tidy.

Tomorrow promises to be even warmer.

Petra is leaving for Shepparton with the twins in the morning and I will look after Siena for a couple of days.

That is dangerous!!

A Wednesday

Another great post by the insider. “Brady Bunch” I don’t think so! Our kids are no where that compliant and a heap noisier.

I am feeling really good and strong at the moment and with only 6 days to the next nuking it’s a nice feeling.  I always get a little anxious when I am this close to the next cycle as I know just how CRAP the following weeks are. Anyway, nothing I can do about that.

I put on a suit and went into work today. Suit still fits which is good and I felt almost normal.

Had some very ordinary news to digest, process and deliver to the team which was like a real big kick in the guts, but did that and now feel a little better having shared it. Time to look forward on some matters. Stay positive as the alternative delivers nothing.

Had a good meeting with another client so that balanced the day somewhat.

I have started to exercise again and I have a program to build me up before I fall down again.

Such a wild ride.

Conflicted by the insider

I suppose whilst I think I am still youthful, intouch and have an endless road of life to journey my connection to technology see’s me otherwise.

I am not one to be constantly connected to an iphone nor one to see the computer as a crictial source of communication, hence my infrequent posts. I do have to admit that this blog has allowed me to be somewhat voyeuristic of my own family as I see the photos of smiling children achieving something everyday and family gatherings, so I have to admit I do ponder if the computer pictures are my realitly. Maybe the “Brady bunch” image is glossy and sometimes conflicting to me but there is  a tangible history that allows me to see the many positive moments that fill our day and the blog and technoglogy have given the vehicle, but its Serg’s illness that been the catalyst.

Conflicted is the best way I can describe what Serg’s illness has made me feel. It is a struggle to reconcile the irrational emotions of how somedays its hard to predict what care I can provide to Serg from food ,to noise ,to positive motivation , business/client  debriefs and tough love with that of the rational, that we have a blessed life with healthy children and our only struggle is for our own sanity!

So as the next cycle is about to begin in 6 days I feel conflicted by the uncertainity  of how serg will respond but with the certainity that the treatment is necessary for a positive outcome.

Conflicted? Why does it seem to take illness or suffering for us to reflect and gain positive insights.

Monday night at the G

Another great game of football although this time the outcome was not as good. It’s was a cold late afternoon game with passing rain squalls, some hail, cold winds and some sun shine. Not that unusual for Melbourne.

The family enjoyed the experience even if our team managed to loose by 2 points.

There is always next week. Girls are starting to get into it.