My Unplanned Sabbatical

50 Shades of Grey (no not that book you all cant put down)!

Contemplated not writing today as it is a pretty black day.

I know I am now annoying those closest to me by being withdrawn and sullen. There is a big disconnect between how I intellectualise my position and how I respond emotionally to it and no matter how much self talk and “thankful thinking” I do, I barely manage to shift the dial towards a lighter shade of grey. My life has shrunk to a very small piece of what it was, its current focus reduced to the taking my medication, trying to stay vertical as long as possible, holding onto what I eat, sleeping and trying to be interested in what occurs around me.

It just is what it is. I know it will revert back, but that thought does not cut through at the moment.

My strongest desire is to be alone and away from everyone and everything, but that also does not make much sense to me. It would be the same shit, different place..only colder with bad food. It would be like when you decide to go on holiday with your new-born baby, only the scenery changes, little else. Still the desire is strong.

There are a number of things happening at work that are worrying me and this is not great. Some things I need to get involved in and I worry about my head space and how I would engage with others. I need to get on that horse this week and just do it.

Siena has left for school camp for the week so I am hopeful I will be better and more upbeat by the time she returns. It will be strange to not have her in the house for a week. Such a big personality. Alessia and Lily remain and no doubt will look to fill the void.

Petra is doing all she can to try to keep the house on an even keel (in between devouring chapters of that book)!

I still like this song.

04 Rise